| It's quiet in the house as I sit down to an early | | | | clothes and household knickknacks. She drags me |
| breakfast watching the TV news, a favorite book | | | | through the stores looking for bargains, exchanging the |
| readied by me side for the commercials. A faint noise | | | | items she bought last week for new ones. She asks |
| from above and a slithery sound on the stairs sibnals | | | | my opinion on wall sconces, sweater sets, cooking |
| the premature arrival of my spouse, ready to do battle. | | | | pots, flower arrangements and glassware. My priorities |
| 'Good mornings' are followed by a crashing a | | | | are strictly based on function and quality. Her priorities |
| cacophony from the direction of the dishwasher which | | | | are exact matching shades of color, how it will fit in |
| is being emptied. Then sink sounds plow through the air | | | | with the other ten thousand knickknacks, and whether |
| to my sensitive ears, completely covering the breaking | | | | the store will take it back. |
| news. the message in this performance is that there is | | | | Soon I find myself three steps behind, finding places to |
| a lot of work to do today and I had beter help her do | | | | sit down, getting into conversations with the sales |
| it. I counter by mentioning al the things I had already | | | | people and mimicking E.T. saying "Home". A remark |
| performed to no avail. I suggest that she make out a | | | | that she never goes shopping with me to Sears |
| list of projects waiting to be done but get only a long | | | | Hardware or Crazy Max's Electronic Wonderland is |
| harangue on how the last list she made twenty years | | | | met with a blank stare, a half smile, and a look that |
| ago was half crossed off and the other half ignored. | | | | means an out-of-hand dismissal of the idea. The only |
| What a memory! | | | | saving of the day is a nice coffee and yogurt break in |
| I have become adept at pattering on conversationally | | | | the middle. |
| to a stony face and buttoned lips. The meaning | | | | Through all the variations of meaningful looks, |
| contained in this feminine language translates that I | | | | reminders of past mistakes and silent treatments, the |
| have said or done something completely | | | | expression I see on her face of pure happiness when |
| unsympathetic or have not done something supportive | | | | presented with an unexpected bouquet of flowers or |
| to her cause. I usually try to jump over this lack of | | | | a needed chore done while she was last minute food |
| communication by announcing the start of a new | | | | shopping for guests makes her secret language all |
| project dear to her heart, hoping that the real cause of | | | | worth while. |
| her silence will reveal itself. | | | | Next year we'll be married for 40 years. I've been in |
| An offer to go shopping with her brings on a instant | | | | love with the same woman all that time. No, not great - |
| happy response, in spite of the knowledge of my | | | | if my wife finds out, she'll kill me. Just kidding. |
| notoriously short attention span toward women's | | | | |